it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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