I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
