Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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