They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
