3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
