im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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