my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
