he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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