Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
