You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
