So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
