so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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