I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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