Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
