I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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