Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My vagina just recognized that song.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
