Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
