Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
