I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
