just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
