i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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