he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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