y did u give ur computer a hand job?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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