You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
