I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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