Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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