The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
