Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize