new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
