i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
