Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
