Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
