Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
