First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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