i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
