don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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