I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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