whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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