If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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