Pappa wants mamma naked
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
