if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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