Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
