no, he came in my armpit
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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