If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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