im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This is my gift to your gina
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
