I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
