Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
