I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
