My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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