I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
