the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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