Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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