Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize