i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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