i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
