apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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